You can say something like, “I felt betrayed and felt like you didn’t care about my feelings or well-being. It really put me in a negative space and made me feel like I didn’t want to be your friend anymore. " Avoid shaming or humiliating the person during the conversation. It creates a negative environment. Try to separate complaints about their personality with the act of betrayal that they committed. There may be things that you don’t like about them, but you want to concentrate on the act of betrayal first. [3] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source The primary goal of talking to them is to come clean about how you feel and understand what their perspective is.
Talking to a close friend or family member may help you evaluate the betrayal. Put yourself in their shoes and determine if you would have done the same things or would have felt inclined to do the same things.
You can say something like, “I don’t agree what you did, but I can see how you would make that mistake. I accept your apology, but it might take a while for me to get over it. " It’s important to get what you want to say off your chest before hearing out the friend who betrayed you.
If you have a hard time shifting to something positive, then try taking a moment to evaluate your thoughts. For example, you might find yourself thinking, “She betrayed me before, so it will happen again. ” If this happens, ask yourself if this is the most likely outcome. Are there other possible outcomes? If so, what are they? Then, use this information to help you revise the thought. For example, you might revise your thought to something like, “I know that my friend feels really bad about what happened, and that she will do her best not to hurt me again. ”[7] X Research source
Don’t automatically assume the worst, like it was your friend’s intention to hurt your feelings or that they acted in a vindictive manner. After talking to them, think about their motivations and what caused them to commit the act of betrayal. It may still not be the right thing to do, but at least you can try to understand why they did it. For example, if your friend went behind your back and told someone a secret about you, try to think about why she might have done that. For example, might she have been concerned about you? Or, is it possible that she was coerced into sharing the secret and gave in because she wanted to feel liked and accepted by the person or people she told?
For some people, this is a reminder that they should speak up and stand up for themselves more often, and for others, it may be a sign to communicate boundaries to their friends effectively.
Think about what the person did to betray you and why it upset you so much. What did they do? Why did it hurt you so much? Try writing down what happened and why it was so upsetting to you. This will give you a chance to identify your feelings and examining them more closely. [11] X Research source Look at what your friend has done so far the show they are sorry. Has your friend apologized? Did it seem sincere? Have they done other things to show they are truly sorry? If so, then it will be easier to regain trust in the person, although the healing process will still take time. If not, then it might not be easy to trust the person. You might need to get a sincere apology before you will really start to trust the person again. [12] X Research source Try to be patient. It can take time to feel like you can trust someone again after a betrayal. Don’t feel like you have to rush to get the relationship back to where it was before the betrayal. Just allow it to progress at a natural pace.
If you don’t allow any time to pass, there’s a chance that your feelings have not settled, and the same argument can arise again. [14] X Research source Hang out with your other friends more often.
You can say something like, “I reacted badly because my feelings were hurt. I’m sorry for yelling at you and calling you names. " Apologizing to them may also make them more open to talking to you and taking responsibility for their actions. [16] X Research source
Only ask to hang out after you’ve fully forgiven the person.
This can be going to a movie that you both want to see, participating in a sport, going to a museum you both like, or playing a video game.
When you speak to the person about your boundaries and feelings, make sure to be assertive. Internalize how you feel and how you want to be treated, then communicate it in the most assertive way you can, without being angry or mean. [18] X Research source Be open and honest with them. Don’t hold things back to preserve their feelings. You can say something like, “I’ve forgiven you for what you did, but you can’t do it again. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel betrayed, and is just not what I want in a friend. "
If you have mutual friends, you can be cordial during social situations, but you don’t have to be close friends. Determine if they are likely to betray you again and how you would feel if they did so.
All people are different and just because one friend betrayed you does not mean that other friends will.
