Orient towards your partner. Make eye contact. Nod your head when you agree and show you are attentive. After they finish speaking, paraphrase what was said like “What I heard you say was that…” and ask any questions to clarify whether you got the right message “Am I right in thinking you feel like…?” Be aware of the nonverbal signs as well as what is said out loud. Does the message your partner is sharing with you line up with the nonverbal cues? Also, look for signs of tension or frustration. Balled fists, crossed arms, or frowns may demonstrate that the other person needs a break or is too upset to resolve any issues right now. Though it may seem obvious, don’t be glancing at your phone, scrolling through social media, or messaging people. This shows that you are fully focused and paying attention to the person in front of you. [2] X Expert Source Stefanie SafranDating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
“You” statements frequently blame the other person. Avoid making these kinds of statements. They may sound like “You are always making big purchases without asking me first!” An example of an “I” statement may be “I feel confused when you make big purchases without me because I thought we agreed to go together. From now on, I would like to be included in these purchases. ”
If affectionate names are commonly used in your relationship, you can use such names to show that you still care for your partner even during a disagreement. Saying things like “What do you think, dear?” or “I’m sorry I disappointed you, baby. How can I make things right?” may help to ease the tension. Basic as it seems, also make sure that you maintain eye contact. [4] X Expert Source Stefanie SafranDating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
To prevent saying nasty things and getting caught up in anger, many couples use a “24 hour” rule. In this scenario, if things get too heated, they table the discussion for 24 hours so both parties calm down and are able to talk. It is pretty rare to find a discussion that can’t wait for a cooling down period if need be. [5] X Research source
For example, you notice your partner withdrawing more money out of a shared account than usual. Instead of building a case over time, you might address the issue right off by saying “I noticed you have been needing more money lately. Do we need to adjust our budget to account for this?” You will never be perfect, nor can you expect this from a partner. There will always be issues that come up and you can either learn to treat them as you would any other obstacle or you can hide them until they balloon into a huge problem. Make a commitment to hold a weekly check-in in which either of you can bring up any issues you have on your chest. Communicating problems with the idea of tackling them as soon as they come up helps you establish a strong foundation. Make sure that you try to follow through with whatever you two say and decide over the course of your conversation. Plans are only useful if they’re carried out![7] X Expert Source Stefanie SafranDating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
Compromising may include writing out a pros and cons list to points of disagreement and talking through the list objectively. Talking aloud may clearly point out which choice is mutually beneficial. It also means finding a way that both of you can have your needs met without jeopardizing the needs of the other. Another way you can compromise is doing things one person’s way one time and then favoring the other person’s opinion the next time. For example, you may watch one person’s favorite movie one night and the other person’s top pick the next night. Before you find yourself waging war against your partner about a small issue, assess how important the matter truly is to the happiness and growth of your relationship. If it’s truly not a big deal, move on.
For example, if you need a sum of money to pay for a big purchase, you can sit down and find ways for both of you to contribute. Each of you can put money into savings for a span of time, or cut back on non-essential expenses. Using terms like “we” as in “We will get through this” or “us” as in “Let us figure out a solution together” help foster a teamwork approach. Every relationship comes with ups and downs. When you encounter an issue, go through it logically and objectively and make a decision based on the mutual well-being of both partners.
It is a myth that you do not need to tell your partner what you value and need. You are mistaken to think that simply because your partner loves you, they should know what you need. Mind reading is impossible and the expectation of it merely hinders your growth. [9] X Research source Communicate your desires simply by saying something to the effect of “Charity is really important to me. What can we do to honor that moving forward?”
Sit down and discuss where each of you stand financially. Create a budget if you live under the same roof. Talk to a financial counselor if you have trouble seeing eye-to-eye.
For example, texting an old flame after you are married shouldn’t happen. If you wouldn’t expect a new date to be OK with that, why should your spouse ignore it simply because you are married?[11] X Research source Treat your partner with the utmost respect. Strive to make them smile. Make an effort to schedule quality time shared between the two of you.
Being there for your partner, both physically and emotionally Being consistent in your actions Showing up when you say you will Keeping confidences Respecting your partner’s personal boundaries Doing what you say you will do
A relationship should allow you to be your core self, while giving you someone to love and cherish. It will not be good for you or your partner if one of you become codependent and requires the other to take an interest in anything.
While the two of you should have separate dreams, it can also be unifying to have shared goals that you work towards as a team. Have a talk with your partner and brainstorm some dreams you’d like to accomplish together. It can be brought simply by stating “I think it’d be great if we set some shared goals. What are some things we can work towards together?”
