Remember, your girlfriend may very well know her jealousy is irrational; therefore, responding with something like, “Not this again,” or, “You know you have nothing to worry about” is not a good means of deflecting jealousy. Instead, allow her to discuss her insecurities frankly. Your girlfriend may be more willing to move past her insecurities if you allow her to talk to them through rather than cutting her off. You can even encourage her to share, by asking her something like, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling insecure about right now?”
Instead of responding defensively, show your girlfriend she is heard. Do not, for example, say something like, “You know Melissa is just a friend. " Show your girlfriend you’re hearing what she’s saying, even if you don’t agree with it. For example, “I understand you feel a little threatened by my close friendship with Melissa. "
Resist the urge to retreat or ignore your girlfriend when she’s being jealous. Even if her accusations are unreasonable, remind yourself you need to let her speak. If necessary, take a few deep breaths.
“I”-statements have three parts. They begin with “I feel. . . " after which you immediately state your feelings. From there, you explain the behavior that led to that feeling. Lastly, you say why you feel the way you do. For example, “I feel frustrated when you interrogate me about spending time with Melissa because I want to be able to see my female friends on occasion. "
For example, say something like, “I get that it must be weird for you that I’m friends with my ex but she’s my ex for a reason. I really love you, and really cherish our relationship. "
Ask your girlfriend what she feels insecure about in the relationship, or in general. This may explain why she feels jealous. People feel jealous for a variety of reasons. Your girlfriend may be afraid of losing you. She may also simply fear being left out. Ask your girlfriend something like, “What exactly are you afraid is going to happen when you get jealous?”
Ask yourself if you have done anything to cause your girlfriend to be mistrustful. Have you cheated in the past? Do you have a history of lying to her? Trust issues may relate to her personal history as well. Think about things like your girlfriend’s family. People who did not have strong ties growing up tend to be more jealous, as they’re more nervous about losing their partner. If you have trust issues in the relationship and not jealousy issues, consider speaking with a couple’s counselor and encourage your girlfriend to seek individual therapy to work through these issues if they are due to previous relationships. Notice if what you say and the way you act are in alignment. If you find that you don’t back up your words with your actions, you can use this new awareness to make sure you start doing the things you say you will do. Be honest, straightforward, compassionate, and assertive when communicating with your girlfriend. Tell her what you want from an open relationship and be willing to listen to what she wants, too. If the relationship is built on trust and your girlfriend still gets very jealous, then she needs to work on developing more self-esteem and dealing with her own insecurities.
Instead of getting angry, try to remember why your girlfriend is jealous. For example, you can think something to yourself like, “I know Maddie is being unreasonable, but a lot of her exes have cheated on her. " Do not become defensive. Remember to empathize with your girlfriend. Try to talk to her calmly and offer to help solve the problem. For example, say something like, “What can I do to help you calm down?”
Ask your girlfriend something like, “Is there anything I do that makes you feel jealous?” See if there’s a way you can help her feel more secure in moments where you inadvertently trigger her insecurity. For example, your girlfriend may sometimes feel jealous if you make plans with friends and do not invite her. You can try explaining to her that you sometimes need time alone with your friends, and this has nothing to do with how you feel about her. You can agree to remind her how much you value her when you make plans without her.
Say so gently. You do not want to provoke an argument. Say something like, “I know you don’t like that I’m friends with Melissa, but I’ve known her since I was 12 and she was 10. I feel controlled when you don’t want me to spend time with her because I value the relationship a lot. " Be clear with your girlfriend about what you are and are not willing to do to reassure her. For example, you can agree to text her more often when you’re out with friends; however, let her know you’re not going to put up with her calling or checking in on you every five minutes.
Allow your girlfriend to pursue her passions. Respond excitedly when she tries something new and pushes herself out of her comfort zone. Compliment her regularly. Let her know if you think she looks great in a new outfit, for example.
Does your girlfriend use jealousy to control you? Some people will use jealousy as an excuse for unreasonable demands. Your girlfriend may, for example, use her jealousy to keep you from seeing friends or loved ones. Unreasonable accusations are also a sign of over-the-top jealousy. Does your girlfriend accuse you of cheating without evidence? Is she constantly checking up on you or going through your stuff? If you believe your girlfriend is unreasonably jealous, seriously evaluate whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.
If your girlfriend is draining you emotionally, this is not fair to either one of you. If you feel like you’re, say, answering insecure texts for days on end, it’s okay to take a break from the relationship or end things altogether.
